Trusting God in the Midst of Tears

​I once was young, now I'm a graybeard— not once have I seen an abandoned believer, or his kids out roaming the streets. Every day he's out giving and lending, his children making him proud. 
~ Psalm 37:24-25 The Message Bible.

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On August 31st, 2016, I started a journey of faith that would take me to new depths in Christ.  This was the day that my son and I boarded a plane for our new home – Minnesota.  I was completely excited and completely nervous all at the same time.  You see this move was truly a faith move for me.  Let me go back a little. 

In April, I was at the 2016 Grow Your Dreams Conference in Virginia Beach, Va.  I was sitting there listening to the speaker and I heard the Lord clearly and boldly tell me to MOVE.  The voice was so clear and so bold that I remember looking around to see if someone actually needed me to move, but no one near me was looking my way or trying to get by me.  Judging by the way the others were looking – at the speaker – I was the only one who heard it.  I knew then that it was God speaking to me directly so I wrote it down and decided I would begin to pray about it.  After arriving back in Connecticut, I asked the Lord where He wanted me to go and He told me Minnesota.  Now, this was not as much of a surprise to me as it was others I told because for years the Lord showed me Minnesota in the strangest places – license plates of vehicles in Connecticut and not the same vehicle but multiples ones.  He highlighted Minnesota on TV shows, movies, and in other formats.  I knew Minnesota existed and I am sure that I saw and heard some of this before He began highlighting it to me but it was more pronounced now than ever.  So, when I came back from Virginia and asked God where He wanted me to move to, Minnesota was confirmation for me.  I then asked the Lord when He wanted me to go and He gave me a date – August 31st.  There was another date but I allowed fear to get the best of me and I missed it.  After missing that first date, the Lord sent a lot of confirmations to let me know that this was the right move.  I told the Lord that if he wanted me to go, He needed to provide the flight because I did not have the funds.  Not long after I said that to Him, God sent someone along to pay for my flight and eventually Malachi’s flight too (you can see the entirety of this on my YouTube channel).  And on August 31st, we were on a plane to Minnesota.  

Since stepping on that plane on August 31st, I have learned so much about faith.  Before we left, the Lord told me to book a hotel room for a week and I did but I did not know how I would pay for it.  But I believed God so before we left and throughout our trip, I prayed and asked God to provide. After we landed, I met my friend at the airport and she took me to the hotel and she paid for the week we were scheduled to stay in the hotel.  I should preface that this was our first time meeting face to face and prior to this we were in the Grow Your Dreams Network Facebook group together, but I did not know her outside of the group.  After the first week, I still did not have a job and I still did not have enough funds to cover another week at the hotel so we needed to check out.  By this time, I connected with some other faith-filled believers who were praying with me for another housing situation but I was frantic and in tears.  I could not believe that God would bring us all this way and take care of the first week in a hotel only to leave us stranded.  But that was not what God had in mind, God provided for another week at an even better hotel than the first one.  And I was able to get Malachi enrolled in school and on his way to a successful senior year.   After those 5 days were up, we had to again move on and each time we had to move, it became easier to trust God for the next provision because I could see the pattern of how He was providing.  I could also, in most instances, see how He was going to provide for us.  What I mean by that is I could plan for it or I could see how we would make it to the next place, because between my friend and I we would use our points, etc to ensure that Malachi and I had a room.  Even when we did not know, God would speak to her and she would get an idea and we’d be on our way to the next place.  I will admit to you, I did not like the moving around at all.  I was used to be stable and being able to sit down and breathe, but it seemed like the minute I got comfortable where we were, we had to transition again.  I was thankful for every new place, but I was also ready to be settled.  

Along this journey, I cried a lot – I cried because we were not settled.  I cried because I felt like I had no choice but to live in hotels.  I cried when we would get to a hotel and it would not be like it was in the photos.  As time went on, we continued moving around and then all of a sudden every brook and well that had been flowing with provision before was suddenly dried up.  I was still tithing, still sowing, still giving but there was little to no provision for a hotel and we had to check out of where we were.  I stayed as calm as I could and we went about the day as if I knew where we were going that night. Malachi went to school and I hung out at Starbucks believing God for provision.  That night at 10:30, we finally had the funds for a room for the night but we had no idea where we would go for the next day but I took it and believed God would move on our behalf because as the bible says, “never have I seen the righteous forsaken nor his seed begging bread” and I knew we would not be begging bread I just did not know how the provision for the next night would come.  On the inside, I was OK for the most part but when someone would ask me where Malachi and I were going I could not hold it in – I cried.  I was in full faith totally believing that God would provide, but not being able to answer people when they asked made me think I was not a good mom or crazy for relying on God like I did. I just knew that we had this place for the night and I had to trust God even in the midst of tears.  The next day while driving Malachi to school using my friend’s car, God provided.  He laid us on the heart of my cousin who sent us funds enough to go to another hotel for 3 nights.  While we were there, I received the provision for our next hotel because I obeyed the Lord and did what He said to do.  Throughout this process, God has been faithful but I had to learn to trust Him even in the midst of tears.

This was not and is not my ideal situation at all.  In my mind, we were supposed to get our place after the first week of being here at the hotel and I was supposed to get the first job I interviewed for and we’d begin our happy lives in Minnesota, but that is not what transpired.  Instead of being secure after just one week of trusting God, I have been in a season of continually trusting Him for every provision.  The first job I interviewed for did not come through and it took what felt like weeks to finally start getting other interviews.  Not to mention that since this process began the only income I had has been through the generous love gifts from friends, family, and even strangers who have been prompted to give to us by the leading of the Lord.  And while I cried a lot because I did not see a way, God provided every single day for us.  Not only did He provide for us, but something else amazing began happening – God began delivering me from things that I held onto over the years – hurts, unlawful soul ties, etc.  The deliverance hurt but once I was delivered I felt better and I was much stronger than I was before. 

Trusting God in this process has not been easy but what I found is that you can trust God and still cry.  You can trust God and not fully understand.  You can trust God and not like the situation you are in currently.  For me, I had no other choice most times but to trust God to provide for us in a supernatural way and while I cried because there was nothing I could do (loss of total control), I knew that God would never leave us nor forsake us because that is what His word says.  I knew that if God called me to be in Minnesota, He would provide for us.  The further along I went in the process, the more I get tested in this faith area because I realize that it needs to be completely settled that I trust God for everything.

Trusting God at this level is not easy for anyone because it means giving up the control you are used to.  It means denying what you think or how you think it should go and default to the way God wants to do it and if you are anything like me, that is hard because I like to think I am in control.  Trusting God has not been easy for me in this season, but every time I see God work the process gets a little easier and the tears come a little less.  I implore you that whatever God is telling you to do or whatever He is speaking to you, trust Him to help you all of the way.  He will not fail you, that is what His word promises us.  Be like Nike and just do it! 